We feel nothing, but we feel everything

Dear friends and family,

I can't begin to describe what we are feeling.  I feel nothing.  But I feel everything.  We feel we live in the deepest of the deep.  Blackness, darkness, pit, despair, worn, sufferance.  Our life is lack.  Lack: the state of being without or not having enough of something.  This is a little taste of what it's like.  He's gone.  He's dead.  But his sweet knowledgeable spirit is with the one who made him.  We feel dead right now.  We still can't fathom what this means...the finality of it.  We wake everyday not wanting to.  During our day, we pour our hearts out through tears, laughter, the deepest sorrow, and spending time with Jackson and playing.  We are surrounded by the Church and our family and friends.  We are so thankful.  What a thanksgiving!  We are thankful for God giving us Coltrane, even if it wasn't right, not to say that God bringing him home was wrong.  He didn't go "before his time".  He went home at the right time.  For there is a time to be born and a time to die.  This is reality.  

Our visitation will be at Community Christian Fellowship on the corner of Main and Lincoln, our church home.  We will have an open casket at this time.  The time for this is 5-7PM.  We will show a slideshow sharing our most precious memories from his sweet life.  

The funeral service will be at the same location, on Wednesday December 2nd.  This will be a time of celebration and worship to our Lord.  During this time the casket will be closed.  Immediately after, there will be a grave side service at Oak Hill Cemetery in Siloam Springs.  Then, a lunch back at the church afterwards.  

So many thoughts come up as we grieve.  We are angry.  We are happy that Coltrane is not in pain anymore.  "No more pokes, Coltrane!"  I find artwork in God's design in this.  That Sonja brought Coltrane into this world, and I was holding his hand sweetly, as he breathed his last.  I don't think it was coincidence that Coltrane's ministry was as long as Jesus' was, three years.  I doubt I will be able to do what Coltrane did in three years, in my whole life time.  He made such an impact on so many, through the power of the Holy Spirit.  It's interesting to think about Coltrane and what his eyes held.  So much he knew we think.  He was always quick, as his brother.  He would answer you less than a second when you asked him a question.  His vocabulary was astounding for such a young man.  Wouldn't it be cool if Coltrane was a modern day prophet?  Maybe God gifted him with knowledge that surpassed our understanding, being adults.  That sounds nice.  

Thank you for your prayers.  Please pray for:

Our marriage to remain strong as it has

Our time of grieving

Jackson and his process of grieving

For everything to go well with the visitation and the funeral.

Complete peace and understanding

Comfort 

My studies at the College

Us to gain more and more faith in God, and to have an even stronger relationship with him

Love to you all in Christ,

Justin

Sonja

Jackson

and Coltrane Roy Smith

Celebrate Coltrane's Miraculous Life

Please join us as we celebrate Coltrane's miraculous life on Wednesday, December 2 at 10 

am. The service will be at Community Christian Fellowship in Siloam Springs. There will be a 

graveside service afterward at Oak Hill Cemetery. Also, there will be a visitation on Tuesday, 

December 1 from 5-7 pm at Community Christian Fellowship in Siloam Springs.  The Smith 

Family is asking in Lieu of flowers to donate to one of the following amazing charities in 

memory of Coltrane: The Toby Keith Foundation, love like crazy foundation, or St. Baldrick's

http://lovelikecrazyfoundation.org

stbaldricks.org

https://www.tobykeithfoundation.org/

So many of us have been touched by the story of Coltrane, honesty of the Smith family, and their faith during these past 18 months. I have been humbled over and over again by the amount of support you have given to this family. When I think of God's love I think of all the generosity that has been shown over these past months. When somebody says how do we show God's love? I will point to these 18 months and say this is what it is.  Thank you to everyone who gave, prayed and supported this family. Because of your donations, the family was able to spend every moment with Coltrane, helped pay doctor bills, regular bills, put gas in their car, and food on their table. Because of your love and support you have brought peace, joy, and love to the Smiths.  Thank you for all you have done every step of the way.  We are going to have one more project of Love. Starting on December 4th we will have a giving tree up at Creative Corner in Siloam Springs and Granny's Simple Blessings in Gravette. On the tree are different donations and gift ideas that you can give to the Smith family during the Holiday Season.  All you have to do is visit the store, pick an apple with the gift you would like to give the Smith family, and return it to Creative Corner or Granny's Simple Blessings by December 18th. We will give all the wonderful gifts of love and support to the Smith family to enjoy during the Holidays.  Thank you again for all your amazing support and generosity.

Amber Sisemore

Prayers Needed

Hello friends and family,

     First, a letter to Depression from Hope.

Dear Depression,

     I am hope.  We've met before, many times in fact.  Even if for brief moments, for when we meet, you leave.  I am your friend.  I wanted you to know my love for you dear Depression.  I know you are in perilous spiritual warfare.  I understand, but not completely.  For you are bound by the Fall.  If only I could help you, I would my friend.  You are loved by me and all I represent.  I hope, for that is my name after all, that you will be free.  Someday you will.  I know you are trapped and bound for the moment.  The time of redemption is near.  Please take my letter in and remember it.  Repeat it over and over when you are desperate.  I have to be honest with you, for I love you dear Depression.  You try not of your own accord of course, to defeat me.  However, I am undefeated.  I will rise as my Master calls me, to redeem the effects you place on the called and uncalled alike.  It is my nature to destroy you.  My love is strong for you, but you will change eventually.  Take heart Depression, the Light is coming.

Love,

Hope.

     Sonja and I were very depressed for four days straight.  Depression leaking into us like chemotherapy.  We received news that Coltrane due to his sleeping more and more, that he is in decline.  What news, what news.  No words.  However, a few of my Professors came by and that was the catalyst to our journey to hope in the Lord.  Sandra, Sonja's mother was randomly picked up by her walking friend.  She asked Sandra to walk with her on the JBU track, which she never does.  While walking the track, they literally ran into a Mexican man named Juan.  Sandra's friend knew him.  Juan heard about Coltrane and said to Sandra pointing to his head, "Don't think here.  You are going to hear bad news.  Don't listen here (head).  Believe here (pointing to his heart)."  He was very passionate and intense.  He kept speaking with Sandra about this, over and over.  Before she went walking I told my mom the bad news.  As soon as Sandra left, my mom called her about the bad news!  This was the news that Juan was talking about, that Coltrane was in declination.  Juan brought up Hezekiah and told us to do what he did.  He laid the letter of the Assyrian king before the Lord and gave it to Him.  Juan instructed us to lay before God anything physically tangible associated with Coltrane's diagnosis.  Sonja and I gathered many people to pray for us, 12-14 people.  They came over and we set the latest MRI scan that showed all the tumors, the Do Not Resuscitate paper I had to sign with tears streaming from my eyes,  and also the gigantic binder full of notes, papers, and documents that the doctors and Sonja and I put together throughout these last couple of years (almost 2 years ago!).  We laid them in the middle of the circle of people before the Lord our God.  We all prayed.  We prayed for generational curses to be lifted.  We asked for forgiveness of our sins.  We prayed that we would trust in God, and prayed for a complete miracle  We anointed him with water and oil from the Holy Land, Jerusalem.  The prayers were powerful, and I strained to pray, shaking.  I told God that I was angry that I was forced to watch my son suffer, and that He couldn't.  I am angry that I have to suffer as Coltrane's Dad, watching him with a deep sadness.  But I realized "Who am I?", as Job discovered.  Who am I?  I am a sinful man.  I am not Holy, but God is.  He couldn't watch His only son suffer.  He couldn't because the sins of the world were upon Jesus' shoulders.  Again, I am not holy.  I have but a little taste of what God the Father went through.  This is I believe, is a special gift from God, to be able to experience what God has, in a human way.  God must've been so sad to see His son betrayed, mocked, marred beyond human recognition (Yes, he didn't look like a human on the cross.  Our modern paintings and drawings, even film has not yet created what Jesus looked like while on the cross).  God must've watched, until He wasn't able to.  I imagine Him being crushed, turning his back on His son while he died.  I could never do that, for I am unholy.  It's a gift that I get to be there and help my son.  Then again, I imagine God loving what Jesus was doing.  God's plan was being fulfilled, as always.  He was pleased with Jesus and His sacrifice and resurrected Him after three days.  What a great testimony, a cornerstone to our faith in the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.   We are believing in a full on miracle, regardless of what the mind says.  We believe in our hearts that God will heal Coltrane.  This is our focus.  Our job as parents is to fully and truly represent Christ in every situation, striving to maintain patience in our trials, and having humility through it all.  People say we have great faith.  I don't know.  I know if they think that, it is only caused by the Holy Spirit giving us the faith and strength we need to press on.  I cannot and will not take credit.  It's been a long road, but more is to come.  We might not know what, but does it matter?  No.  Our God is leading us somewhere, and that place is a good place.  We love you all so much!

Please pray for:

Coltrane to be completely healed

His body to function like there's no cancer

His bone marrow to produce plenty of good blood cells

His oxygen saturation levels to go up

Sonja and I, Jackson and Coltrane to see visions and dreams of Jesus and have peace 

We are thankful for:

Coltrane's bruising getting better (not supposed to happen)

Coltrane's bed sores disappearing (not supposed to happen)

Coltrane to move his legs and toes, even if it's just a little bit.  Hey, I'll take 1/8 inch movements anyday (not supposed to happen)

Coltrane to be more aware and want to play (not usual for the last many weeks)

Love,

Justin

Sonja

Jackson

and Coltrane the Healed

Joyful in hope

I'm writing an update of HOPE and of that, we are rejoicing.  Coltrane has outlived his time frame that was originally given to him and he is continuing to remain stable.  At this point, Coltrane is living his days surrounded by loved ones and watching his favorite shows from his favorite dinosaur recliner.  Since reducing the dose of steroids, Coltrane's swelling has come down and we can see his eyes again!  His mood has improved and he no longer wants to eat everything in sight (all side effects of the steroids).  We have also increased his pain medicine again and he is remaining fairly comfortable.  The only time he really seems to be having great pain is when he is being moved around.  He still has a few minutes of play in him during the day.  They are short spurts, but we still see signs of his 3 year old self from time to time.  Yesterday I made him laugh and felt like I had just won the world series.  Those moments are few and far between but so cherished.  Today the hospice nurse was here and was very impressed by how "good" Coltrane looks.  She said that he is certainly stable and even seems to be showing some small improvements.  For example, Coltrane has a lot of bruising probably due to low platelets and we didn't expect to see those improve because of the cancer invading his body but his bruising is now looking better and there are no new bruises.  His bed sores are almost gone, which the nurse said may not ever go away and possibly get worse!  Praise God!  Also, we have been taking Coltrane to a Kinesiologist and during his testing on Monday, he was testing that his right adrenal gland was present even though it was removed last year during his surgery.  We have been praying for Coltrane's organs to be restored and I don't know what it means but it is exciting to think about and definitely fills us with hope of a total healing and restoration.  Whatever happens, Coltrane is already a miracle and I have never seen so much prayer and support for one person before.  

We stand humbled and grateful for all of the prayers that continue to bombard Heaven on our son's behalf.  You all have taught us so much about what it means to truly intercede for one another and show love and support through the most difficult of times.  We were so grateful to have the elders of our church, our lifegroup, people from the local Catholic church, our neighbors, family, and countless friends have gathered in our home to pray for us.  Also, The Pointe Church held a special prayer day to intercede for Coltrane and another sick child in the community.  We know that God is constantly hearing people lift Coltrane to him in prayer and that is so powerful.  

Please pray for:

Coltrane to receive a complete healing

Coltrane to be made comfortable and pain free

Coltrane's mood to be playful and happy

Jackson to adjust well to the change of lifestyle and not being able to play with his brother the same way

Wisdom for all who are part of Coltrane's care team

Justin and I to have renewed energy for giving Coltrane the best of care at home

Renewed strength and peace for all of our extended family

So much love,

Sonja, Justin, Jackson, and Coltrane the Consistent

Romans 12:12

"Be joyful in HOPE, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

Update

Hello friends and family,

     Coltrane is doing better and worse in different areas.  First off, he is no doubt stronger and tougher than I.  He fights and fights and begins each day in a warm, cozy bed next to his Mommy and Daddy's.  We moved him down where we are so that Jackson wouldn't find his brother not breathing or dead (in the event that happens).  We received great council by friends and family, doctors, nurses, and Professors, and of course, my beautiful wife Sonja, (which means Wise One).  That's one thing that really is important in this terrible trial; the coming together.....the strengthening bond of a husband and wife, especially in this type of situation.  You can go two ways, but we have but one.  77% of couples who have had a child die end up divorcing.  Scary statistics, but it's reality.  Stick together, spend time together alone, listen to each other, pray together, even though our "places" can/cannot be in the same place (emotionally, physically, and most important Spiritually), it is important to serve your other.  The bonds of marriage are strong.  They can have weak spots as they all do, but praying for Spiritual awareness I believe is the ticket.  You can anticipate and prepare yourself by praying against attacks on your family.  Common ground, is ideal.  This testimony is of love from God, the true love of a marriage, the complete selflessness we have to have in order to take care of each other and the boys, a story of growing faith and trust not only in us, but those in our family, community, and the world.  It's very hard.  Now add in trying to cope with all of last year's events....

     On to Coltrane.  He is somewhat comfortable.  When you move him at all, he is in severe pain.  We've learned today that our dear little Coltrane has a bed sore.  This crushed me today.  "Why?, and Why?"  We have him on some pain meds that our Oncologist told us to go up on.  Dr. Mohamed also suggested reducing the amount of Dexamethodone, a steriod by 50%.  This medicine was used for inflammation of his tumors.  While on this Coltrane has three year old "Roid Rage", and increases puffiness dramatically.  Since being off of that by half, we have already seen a difference in mood and his wanting to play.  This is GREAT!  We got some smiles, and that is freaking gold!  Eventually I think it will not be needed, which is just fine with us.  :)  We believe Coltrane's platelets are very low.  We suspect this from Coltrane bruising very easily.  They just show up all over the place.  This combined with his puffy face, it's hard to see him as my son.  He is almost unrecognizable.  It's very hard to see him in this state.  Prayer is key as always.  We are still in hospice care.  The nurse comes twice/week and does a phenomenal job.  We don't take Coltrane out very much because his pain is so severe when we move him.  

     Jackson is doing well all considering.  The only question he has not had an appropriate and truthful answer to is a wise one.  Sonja and I have been asking Jack to ask any questions he has about anything.  He asked us a bunch of normal questions about Coltrane and such and we answered them.  Now he wants to know "There's just one question I have and you can't answer it.  "It is, How did Coltrane get cancer?"  The wisdom and curiosity of a young man such as himself humbles me, and makes me realize my need for God's strength and forgiveness.  He's really astute and listens intently to our every word.  We choose to say "Death, dead, or dying", although we haven't told Jack Coltrane is dying.  In fact, we don't even know what God's will holds.  We were well instructed to not say "Pass away, he's gone, he's lost, etc., as these do not bring finality to the event in Coltrane's death.......or life as I like to call it.  These aren't words that young boys and girls would comprehend.  We should laugh when a brother or sister dies, and weep when a baby is born.  This makes me wonder if God wept as he saw his beauty being created.  What a wonderful thing to think about and analyze.  Speculation of course.  

     I hesitate saying this but I believe I should, so I will.  

     Sometimes I can't look into the mirror.  What I see is not me, or shouldn't as I would prefer.  But nevertheless, I must.  I have to shave, comb my beard, and style my ridiculous mustache.  I feel pain and anguish and a scarred heart when I look into my eyes.  They have changed, I'm sure of it.  I feel as I've aged 50 years.  It's a dark place we are in.  But then, God does not see dark for what it is.  He only sees light.  He sees through the darkness.  He knows my soul.  He knows my sins, and sees us through the Jesus filter.  For we are all saints, for those who believe in Jesus Christ as the Savior and the Son of God and man, caused by Jesus' sacrifice on the cross.  We are saints only because we know Jesus and because of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.  

We have had a really tough week.  Ups and downs like crazy.  It feels as though we can't get lower, but I know that's not true.  Look at Job.  It's humbling to read.  Humility, is seen everywhere in the Bible.  "Where were you when I found you?", "God glorifies Jesus because of his humility", the opposite of pride; what caused Lucifer's downfall, then our own.  

     Yes things can be tough but we do see the light, and it's shining.  We have been told someone said "Nobody has brought together the 85 or so churches in our community of 19,000, more than Coltrane has.  And I get to be his daddy!  It's truly a blessing and honor.  We hear of people maybe in the thousands, praying for us.  We were blessed with two weeks extra with my brother and his family.  He's my best friend and we love them so much.  It was great to talk together in person and how giving and selfless, and encouraging they are!    We have made through the Holy Spirit, great friendships and testimonies of God's love and strength with both Doctors and Nurses alike.  We are receiving meals all the way to January.  We are blessed with people giving their financial assistance, which is a great need.  I hate to say it to people when they ask "Is there anything we can do for you?  Or, "You just let me know if you need anything."  I hate it but I have to say that prayers, financial help, support is what we need.  The Meal Plan is awesome and very well organized!  The food is great, and we didn't do anything!  We haven't done anything to deserve the love that people have for us.  This is God working in them whether they believe or not.  I see the youth and how crazy they are now more than ever.  But I also see my fellow students at JBU who are WAY more Spiritual, godly, mature as I was at that time.  They all have great desire to learn which is so promising.  We have been fortunate to have visits from my own Professors.  They've prayed for us in public, they've prayed for us in class, even on the phone with me.  They've come over and listened, talked, and gave great council to us.  What a blessing they are to me.  They will never know how much we appreciate them.  We've witnessed students (who are not stereotypically wealthy by any means) who give and give and give to us with their money and prayers.  Our church and others in the community even had a prayer vigil for Coltrane.  24 hours of prayer at 30 minutes a piece!  That's expensive time to pray!  I'd like to think I would sign up, but I don't know if I would.  I'm learning too.  

One more thing.  I went to the cemetery with Comstock to discuss plots and such.  It so happened to be the best people I needed to speak with.  Dave is such a great man.  I enjoy his company, help, and trying to tell if he's joking or not.  The cemetery's manager John went through the same thing as us.  His young daughter died at 16 months or so from what seems to be like Neuroblastoma.  It was so encouraging for me to hear from this man.  He wouldn't let me pay for the plots because "There's still hope."  This is what we're praying for, a miracle.  And we believe in them.

Please pray for:

A complete healing and restoration of Coltrane's body

Coltrane and our whole family to feel joy and have fun together

An amazing peace to fill our household

Coltrane's puffiness to decrease

Coltrane's bedsores to heal

Coltrane to be pain free and completely comfortable

Our extended family who is also dealing with all of the same emotions and ups and downs as we are

Our trust and faith to grow