Sonja and I were talking about how God is working in this trial. It's strange to try to understand His ways and His plan. It helps when you know His character. We trust Him. He has said "No." to a lot of big issues we've prayed for in all this. We have prayed that Coltrane's bump on his head was not a tumor. God said, "No." We prayed that his tumor wasn't cancerous. God said, "No." We prayed that his body wouldn't have any more cancer anywhere else. God said, "No." We prayed that Coltrane's tumor would have the "good genes". God said, "No." It's obviously difficult to watch God saying "No" to all these big, important things that are happening to your son, your family, and everyone else who's being effected. But we have to remember that His answer of "No." is not a "beating the hammer down No". It's a "No" with absolute love. I imagine God saying, "Well Justin, I can't say "Yes" to this because this has to happen. And if I say "Yes" to this prayer, then I can't show you about this and change your life in this way. I need to say "No" to these prayers. Trust me, my son." I know He doesn't like to see us hurt, but he knows that we don't understand everything too. It's very much like parenting your children. My three year old definitely doesn't comprehend why "No." has to be. But he's learning. And so are we.
But here's what God has shown us. God has said "Yes" to so many other things. First off, I have been praying that Sonja would be able to stay home with our children for four years now. Not the way I wanted it to happen, but I'll take it. We prayed that no cancer would be in his body. God said "No." but spared his brain, spine, and most of his bone marrow. We prayed that God would give us peace. He said "Yes." We have days with peace, and days that we struggle finding it. But at the end of the day He provides what we need to have that peace. We only need to rely on HIm. We asked God that Coltrane would not get sick from the chemo. God said, "Yes. I will do that." So far, he's not been effected by the chemo in this way. We prayed that when we went back to the hospital for Round 2, that Coltrane would not be clingy, afraid, weak, stay in bed, not be happy, not eat, not walk. God said "Yes." with all those things. I asked God to help me with my job. My Dad has been unbelievable to work with. He is one of the most generous men I know. He has been a great support with my Mom. It's been so nice to spend quality time with him during those working hours. We are asking for people to not stop praying for us. God is saying "Yes." We are asking Him to give us wisdom. We are asking Him for financial help. God is most graciously saying "Yes" to these prayers.
God is fascinating to say the least. He is the mastermind. He is the Creator. And He is the Great Physician. I don't know His plans, but what I see is a plan that I don't understand. But I do see how things are connecting. In some ways, it's really nice and it gives me peace that I don't know that plan. The fact that somebody else knows exactly what to do and when, relieves me the control that I strive to grasp. God is responsible for His own plan. I am responsible for how I serve His plan. I am not drowning. I don't need to gasp for air. I breathe air, constantly. God gives us what we need. And I will trust Him completely. In the end, God is creating in my life and in our lives, a beautiful creation in itself, similar to what He's done with the world, with people, humanity, and with everything else in the universe. A blossoming flower that will reveal itself in a time I am unaware of. But I do see the beauty of this whole mess. And that is God. He WILL be glorified.
Please continue praying for us. We love you and God truly loves and cares for each of us. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts,
Justin,
Sonja,
Jackson,
and Coltrane the Hardy
Beautiful perspective. Praying for your family!
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