Hello friends and family,
Coltrane is doing better and worse in different areas. First off, he is no doubt stronger and tougher than I. He fights and fights and begins each day in a warm, cozy bed next to his Mommy and Daddy's. We moved him down where we are so that Jackson wouldn't find his brother not breathing or dead (in the event that happens). We received great council by friends and family, doctors, nurses, and Professors, and of course, my beautiful wife Sonja, (which means Wise One). That's one thing that really is important in this terrible trial; the coming together.....the strengthening bond of a husband and wife, especially in this type of situation. You can go two ways, but we have but one. 77% of couples who have had a child die end up divorcing. Scary statistics, but it's reality. Stick together, spend time together alone, listen to each other, pray together, even though our "places" can/cannot be in the same place (emotionally, physically, and most important Spiritually), it is important to serve your other. The bonds of marriage are strong. They can have weak spots as they all do, but praying for Spiritual awareness I believe is the ticket. You can anticipate and prepare yourself by praying against attacks on your family. Common ground, is ideal. This testimony is of love from God, the true love of a marriage, the complete selflessness we have to have in order to take care of each other and the boys, a story of growing faith and trust not only in us, but those in our family, community, and the world. It's very hard. Now add in trying to cope with all of last year's events....
On to Coltrane. He is somewhat comfortable. When you move him at all, he is in severe pain. We've learned today that our dear little Coltrane has a bed sore. This crushed me today. "Why?, and Why?" We have him on some pain meds that our Oncologist told us to go up on. Dr. Mohamed also suggested reducing the amount of Dexamethodone, a steriod by 50%. This medicine was used for inflammation of his tumors. While on this Coltrane has three year old "Roid Rage", and increases puffiness dramatically. Since being off of that by half, we have already seen a difference in mood and his wanting to play. This is GREAT! We got some smiles, and that is freaking gold! Eventually I think it will not be needed, which is just fine with us. :) We believe Coltrane's platelets are very low. We suspect this from Coltrane bruising very easily. They just show up all over the place. This combined with his puffy face, it's hard to see him as my son. He is almost unrecognizable. It's very hard to see him in this state. Prayer is key as always. We are still in hospice care. The nurse comes twice/week and does a phenomenal job. We don't take Coltrane out very much because his pain is so severe when we move him.
Jackson is doing well all considering. The only question he has not had an appropriate and truthful answer to is a wise one. Sonja and I have been asking Jack to ask any questions he has about anything. He asked us a bunch of normal questions about Coltrane and such and we answered them. Now he wants to know "There's just one question I have and you can't answer it. "It is, How did Coltrane get cancer?" The wisdom and curiosity of a young man such as himself humbles me, and makes me realize my need for God's strength and forgiveness. He's really astute and listens intently to our every word. We choose to say "Death, dead, or dying", although we haven't told Jack Coltrane is dying. In fact, we don't even know what God's will holds. We were well instructed to not say "Pass away, he's gone, he's lost, etc., as these do not bring finality to the event in Coltrane's death.......or life as I like to call it. These aren't words that young boys and girls would comprehend. We should laugh when a brother or sister dies, and weep when a baby is born. This makes me wonder if God wept as he saw his beauty being created. What a wonderful thing to think about and analyze. Speculation of course.
I hesitate saying this but I believe I should, so I will.
Sometimes I can't look into the mirror. What I see is not me, or shouldn't as I would prefer. But nevertheless, I must. I have to shave, comb my beard, and style my ridiculous mustache. I feel pain and anguish and a scarred heart when I look into my eyes. They have changed, I'm sure of it. I feel as I've aged 50 years. It's a dark place we are in. But then, God does not see dark for what it is. He only sees light. He sees through the darkness. He knows my soul. He knows my sins, and sees us through the Jesus filter. For we are all saints, for those who believe in Jesus Christ as the Savior and the Son of God and man, caused by Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. We are saints only because we know Jesus and because of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.
We have had a really tough week. Ups and downs like crazy. It feels as though we can't get lower, but I know that's not true. Look at Job. It's humbling to read. Humility, is seen everywhere in the Bible. "Where were you when I found you?", "God glorifies Jesus because of his humility", the opposite of pride; what caused Lucifer's downfall, then our own.
Yes things can be tough but we do see the light, and it's shining. We have been told someone said "Nobody has brought together the 85 or so churches in our community of 19,000, more than Coltrane has. And I get to be his daddy! It's truly a blessing and honor. We hear of people maybe in the thousands, praying for us. We were blessed with two weeks extra with my brother and his family. He's my best friend and we love them so much. It was great to talk together in person and how giving and selfless, and encouraging they are! We have made through the Holy Spirit, great friendships and testimonies of God's love and strength with both Doctors and Nurses alike. We are receiving meals all the way to January. We are blessed with people giving their financial assistance, which is a great need. I hate to say it to people when they ask "Is there anything we can do for you? Or, "You just let me know if you need anything." I hate it but I have to say that prayers, financial help, support is what we need. The Meal Plan is awesome and very well organized! The food is great, and we didn't do anything! We haven't done anything to deserve the love that people have for us. This is God working in them whether they believe or not. I see the youth and how crazy they are now more than ever. But I also see my fellow students at JBU who are WAY more Spiritual, godly, mature as I was at that time. They all have great desire to learn which is so promising. We have been fortunate to have visits from my own Professors. They've prayed for us in public, they've prayed for us in class, even on the phone with me. They've come over and listened, talked, and gave great council to us. What a blessing they are to me. They will never know how much we appreciate them. We've witnessed students (who are not stereotypically wealthy by any means) who give and give and give to us with their money and prayers. Our church and others in the community even had a prayer vigil for Coltrane. 24 hours of prayer at 30 minutes a piece! That's expensive time to pray! I'd like to think I would sign up, but I don't know if I would. I'm learning too.
One more thing. I went to the cemetery with Comstock to discuss plots and such. It so happened to be the best people I needed to speak with. Dave is such a great man. I enjoy his company, help, and trying to tell if he's joking or not. The cemetery's manager John went through the same thing as us. His young daughter died at 16 months or so from what seems to be like Neuroblastoma. It was so encouraging for me to hear from this man. He wouldn't let me pay for the plots because "There's still hope." This is what we're praying for, a miracle. And we believe in them.
Please pray for:
A complete healing and restoration of Coltrane's body
Coltrane and our whole family to feel joy and have fun together
An amazing peace to fill our household
Coltrane's puffiness to decrease
Coltrane's bedsores to heal
Coltrane to be pain free and completely comfortable
Our extended family who is also dealing with all of the same emotions and ups and downs as we are
Our trust and faith to grow
